Life is terrible

Life sucks. I'm sinking farther and farther. I'm hoping this trip to HK helps alleviate things, or I'll need some massive help. It sucks like last year around this time sucked. The difference is I still have some optimism, and thing will look up. I don't know when that will be though.

Hatred and anger swell up inside me. My patience with everything grows thin, as well as my care for anything. I'm stressed out, and I feel caged. I want to destroy something. Nothing works anymore. Venting has no effect, the gym doesn't help. I can't stand some people. I can't stand life.

Tension at home. Uncertainty and turmoil at work. One failed relationship after another (friend and more-than-friend alike). Every aspect of my life is in flames. FML.

My theory on my taste in girls...

Looking back at my past relationships, the most successful ones have been with outgoing girls who are talkative and energetic (something I am not) This goes all the way back to high school, but oddly enough, something I've just figured out myself. the story of me figuring this out stems from the post below "Milky Way". That was the video that made me <3 BoA. The reason was because of the energy and spunkiness she displayed throughout the vid. I dunno how to explain without sounding creepy, but seeing how I'm writing this for myself, no explanation is needed because I should be able to know how it made me feel. Ok bye.

My Christmas Songs

Well, since Christmas is nearing, I figured I should list my songs through the years:

2006: Little Drummer Boy
2007: Grown Up Christmas Wish
2008: Last Christmas

yeah...

I was chatting with Milan one day, and the subject of me and Jason always clowning on each other. I thought it was funny (at least picturing it in my mind) what all this bickering might culminate into.

Jason and I always clown on each other and it's good fun.
Then it will turn into a feud between our two families.
Eventually it will be two factions warring and will turn into a World War that will destroy earth.

Last Christmas...

My song of the moment (by BoA of course). I feel like it talks to me.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special.

I actually feel like I identify with it. A lot of the lyrics chronicle how I've felt over the past year.

My gosh I thought you were someone to rely on?
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

Yeah...

World War 3

Basically it's what I feel my life is going through. I'm dealing with my own World War III. Once the war is over, if there is anything left, it will be much more simpler and consolidated.

That said, I haven't felt more in control of things until yesterday. It feels that one missing piece for me was arguing. In previous relationships, I tried to get all the arguments over in the beginning. I guess it's what kept things interesting. I dunno, I guess we'll see...

A letter to Mei

Dated Sept 8th. I guess it's finally time for it to go up on the blog...

After re-reading the letter, I guess I left out the part where the korean girls I've dated this year play a factor in this as well. I guess it's implied when I mention "stress problems", and since mei knows the events of my entire life, I figured she knew that part.

Hi Mei,

I didn't want to blog about this or type it out in chat, so I'll just write you an e-mail. Hope you don't mind. Anyways, I've been doing some thinking and it seems with most of my problems, there is a korean behind it. My major credit problems, my stress problems this year. Even when I hang out w/ my korean friends, I feel like an outsider. I'm seriously considering dropping the korean people I know (with the exception of a few) from my life. It does seem worth it. I also feel like I'm becoming racist towards all of them. I think I'm starting to automatically dislike every korean I meet (or even see). I find myself hoping for the worst in their country. Hoping they'll lose in the olympics was a start. Gosh, I don't know mei, am I overreacting? Am I being unreasonable? It just seems like life would be so much better w/o them. W/in my group, I'm the only Chinese person. They seem to always find flaws in any other Chinese person who ends up hanging out w/ us, and they don't like that person. I know they have their prejudices, but I dunno. I dunno what I'm saying. It just seems like no Korean is worth knowing. I think I'm finished writing. Thanks for always being there mei.

<3 Casey

Ah, the first rain

I love the rain. How I missed you...

BoA

I love BoA. Whenever I'm down, she always seems to cheer me up. I tend not to listen to her music as much when I'm happy, just when I need cheering up. Actually, I tend to listen to her music when things look like they may be getting better. I've been listening to her a lot lately, so hopefully it still holds true. I'm glad I bought her album when I was in Tokyo.

A conversation...

So today I had a conversation with h over dinner. She said she thinks the reason I'm secretive and reserved (apparently I'm proud of this) is because I feel it makes me different (and better) from everyone else. Then she tried to give me a "heads up" that I'm no different than then next person. My futile attempt at a response when something like "It doesn't make me feel different or better than anyone, because I know I'm the same as everyone else". She didn't buy it. I don't blame her as I'm not satisfied with how I responded either.

So my real response is this. Why am I secretive and reserved? Because I am, that's why. I'm always like that. I don't kiss and tell, I don't reveal a lot about my life. I have no pride in it. It doesn't make me feel better or different then anyone else. It's just the way I am. She knows there are a couple people I'm open with: Mei and my other friend. I didn't just pick them by accident. I'm completely open with Mei because, well, since I met her 7 years ago, she's been there for me just about every time I've needed someone. Her support never wavered, even when friends whom I thought I was closer to, did. As for my other friend, I'm fairly open with him because, over the years, he basically proved he was a great and trustworthy friend. A ride or die type of friend. Supremely loyal, and brutally honest.

Now I don't know (or really remember) why h brought it up. Maybe it bothers her? I dunno. What I need to learn is how to respond better to things like this.

bleh

I live an unappreciated life

Unappreciated by me, as well as others...

Yesterday

So, for the last week or so, I've had this feeling that something significant is going to happen in my life within the next few weeks.

Hmmm, where do I begin. Lately, I've lost hope in finding attractive Chinese girls that can compete with the girls I saw in Japan. So much so, that I pretty much gave up on even looking for one. That was until yesterday. I was on BART and I saw this gorgeous Chinese girl. I'm not sure if she was full Chinese or what. She reminded me of the Chinese model shown above. Wow. She dressed like an HK fob which is a major +++. So that was nice. I was happy to realize there are Chinese girls who don't look full chinese, I'm attracted to which actually exist here in the bay area. She also got off at my exit. :) Later on in the evening, I turn on Curse of the Golden Flower, and see this super cute girl in it. This may sound kinda stupid, but it actually renewed my hope in finding a Chinese girl that I'd want to marry. Sounds kinda shallow, but oh well. I want a pretty wife, what can I say. Yesterday also makes me look forward to what could be. I'm optimistic and excited about who I might find or meet. There's a lot of hope in these eyes.

Now I don't know if/when that significant something is going to happen. Maybe it did yesterday, and I have yet to realize it. All I know, is I have a little more optimism about what the future has to hold. Here's to my local Angelababy who started it all...

Phantom!

I'm so excited!!! Phantom of the Opera is returning to SF Nov. 26th! Now I just have to figure out who to take. =P

Interesting...

Where do I start...

Well, let's start by saying, I guess I'm not the only person who thinks I'm going crazy. Mr. Frank said he's noticed that I've been acting different lately. Dunno what's going on with me!

So friday the 13th was an odd day. I guess it started when we were on the way to the ballgame and I saw her at BART, which was completely unexpected. I actually thought that I might see her, but then I looked at my watch, and saw it was a little early. WHEW! So I'm going through the stall, and there she is. That kinda fucked things up for the rest of the day. From then on, my mood was weird, timing was weird, etc... So we arrive at the game, eat some grub in the suite, and try to have a good time. It was pretty cold that night. Good thing I decided to bring a jacket. So no sooner than the second inning, the Giants do a straight steal home. WTF? LIterally, the guy was like 15 ft from 3rd, and just ran home. I've never seen that outside of the movies. Then, Jack "stone hands" Cust, was making some crazy plays, and he looked like a gold glover. My brother even turned to me and said "what's going on with Cust?". Then, with two outs at the bottom of the ninth, Street was about to pitch, and then the sprinklers came on. It was one of the oddest things I've ever seen. So to cap it off, A's won. Greg Smith walked six, but only gave up one run. Afterwards, I went over to Dennis' and played mafia for a couple of hours. That was kinda odd too. I think I met Frank's norcal Chinese twin. ha.

Well, that was my weird day. I half expected a full moon to be out...

I hate life.

Bleh part 3

I think I'm going fucking insane. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing...

Interesting Observation

This is going to sound shallow, judgemental and look like a blanket generalization, but oh well. So I was talking to Justin about girls yesterday, and the subject of NorCal vs. SoCal girls game up. So I ask him why SoCal girls are hotter than NorCal girls. He says SoCal girls try to be feminine, whereas NorCal girls try to be more like men. I thought about it for a second, and realized that I totally agree with him. Sucks, because I tend to like girly girls. I suppose it can be attributed to the perceived vibe of each area. NorCal, while more laid back, slow paced, and seemingly more business oriented is drab, and serious. SoCal on the otherhand is more fast paced, colorful, and fun. In-terms of girliness, I attribute it with more of a fun atmosphere, so it would make sense for the hotter girls to be in SoCal. And when I mean hot, I'm talking about looks, dress, AND personality. While many may say that SoCal girls are shallow and materialistic, there are many up here in NorCal as well. So concludes my thoughts/rant.

NorCal sucks.

June...

It's June! The month of many birthdays... I still miss Tokyo. It's like the gf that broke up with you and you still want her back.

I miss Tokyo :(

I miss Tokyo. It's so dull here.

Songs and mood

So for a while now I've believed the songs you listen to reflect your mood. So when I look at the play count on itunes, I can kinda see how I've been feeling for the past while. So the top two played songs on my itunes are モノクローム (monochrome) by Bennie K, and 好心分手 (it's better if we break up) feat. 王力宏 by 盧巧音. モノクローム is pretty much about being down in life, feeling stuck in a place you don't want to be, being sick of emotion, and wanting for fly away. It's pretty much about a monochrome life, and it's exactly how I feel. 好心分手 is about breaking up. One person doesn't want to be with the other, and the other is trying save it. Sad song.

Songs

Songs are a big part of my life. When I'm feeling down, and it seems that there is no one there for me, I find comfort in music. I guess it feels like the singer is there keeping me company, and it makes me feel better.

So without further adieu, here is the song. Thank you Rika for introducing me to them.

BENNIE K / モノクローム