I feel low

Lowest I ever remember feeling.

The bay sucks

The bay sucks. I always say that. But is it that the bay sucks? or that I just don't like where I'm living right now? I guess the jury is still out.

However, it seems that what the bay has going for it is its politics, and it's outdoorsy-ness, both of which I don't like. I'm an urban person, and I hate the liberalism of the bay. It's almost socialist like. That's the allure of SF, is it's politics. Other major cities such as LA, Chicago, NYC and Miami aren't defined by their politics. SF is, which sucks.

Life is terrible

Life sucks. I'm sinking farther and farther. I'm hoping this trip to HK helps alleviate things, or I'll need some massive help. It sucks like last year around this time sucked. The difference is I still have some optimism, and thing will look up. I don't know when that will be though.

Hatred and anger swell up inside me. My patience with everything grows thin, as well as my care for anything. I'm stressed out, and I feel caged. I want to destroy something. Nothing works anymore. Venting has no effect, the gym doesn't help. I can't stand some people. I can't stand life.

Tension at home. Uncertainty and turmoil at work. One failed relationship after another (friend and more-than-friend alike). Every aspect of my life is in flames. FML.

World War 3

Basically it's what I feel my life is going through. I'm dealing with my own World War III. Once the war is over, if there is anything left, it will be much more simpler and consolidated.

That said, I haven't felt more in control of things until yesterday. It feels that one missing piece for me was arguing. In previous relationships, I tried to get all the arguments over in the beginning. I guess it's what kept things interesting. I dunno, I guess we'll see...

Smile Again

My song of the moment. According to iTunes, I've listened to it 223 Times. A little less than 100 of those times within the past week. It actually hurts knowing I have to resort to listening to this song to make me feel better. It's like my last resort. Basically, the song trying to uplift yourself because you're so down. For me, it means that nothing else has worked, and no one else can help. Apparently BoA wrote it during a hard/sad time in her life last year.

I can't believe it's come to this...

I've completely lost hope. Even the songs that once gave me hope have no effect on me. Things seemed to really be picking up the last few weeks, and they were all crushed in one night. It really sucks having all hope sucked out of you. I really thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and things would get better towards the end of the year. Funny thing is I thought w/ the election of Obama, not only would the country change for the better, but my life as well. I was wrong. I really don't know how things will get better. It's an odd feeling having no hope.

Sorrow...

I don't think it's gonna work out w/ e. I like the girl a lot, and I can see us happy together if a million things fall into place (none of which require her to change). I tend to think that her personality will bring out the best in mine. I dunno. Maybe I'm just delusional. The weird thing is I really want it to work, however, more and more, I don't want to talk to her. I have no idea how that works, or if it even makes sense. It makes me sad. H being around eases the pain, but not the sadness...

????

What the hell is going on with my life. It's so crazy right now. It's like a rollercoaster with crazy horizontal movement.

Take me away Bennie K...

sigh

Ah, the rollercoaster of life.

Wait, according to my spellcheck, rollercoaster is two words. Fuck that. It's one word now. Rollercoaster.

The Dating Game...

Looks like I'm starting to get a hang of this whole dating thing after more than a decade in relationships. That said, I'm starting to really dislike girls. Especially koreans. New dating/relationship requirement after this one: Girl must have both parents. Then again, I can never really stick to my standards. She's starting to remind me of the Japanese one. Not a good sign. Mei says I'm dating too much (3 since Jan). Is that really too much? Dunno.

Anyways, I'm very grateful to have my mei there for me. I feel blessed. She's a great sister and I couldn't ask for more.

Damn...

Don't mind the picture above. It's there to cheer me up while I write this fucker (the girl who smiled at me in Japan reminded me of this pic (plus, she was wearing a similar hat)).

Wow, yesterday delt me some serious emotional blows. So much so, I don't even want to write about it. Let me just say the first letters of the them. W, L, and h.

"That's a new twist on an old friend... pain. Well, it's certainly been quite some time, pain, it seems inevitable that those fleeting moments of happiness always lead back to you.

Depart from me, you bastard, happiness, I never knew you."

Bennie K

So I was talking to Annie, and we somehow got into the conversation about how I feel I'm changing (in terms of my attitudes, cares, etc...). It was a long conversation and I was basically trying to tell her that she needs to do what she wants, and be happy with herself, before she jumps into a relationship. So I was kind of explaining my moods, mannerisms, and such, and typing it out made me realize that I am changing for the better. Granted, life still sucks, but I like where things are headed.

Which brings me to the subject of this entry. Bennie K. Gosh I love them, haha. Anyhow, the songs I've been listening to the most are their songs. One of them is モノクローム (which I've written about), and the other is Dreamland. These two songs reflect how I feel probably 90% off the time. One song is depressing, talking about a monochrome life, and wanting to break out and get away. The other one is upbeat, happy, and fun. I listen to both of these songs about evenly, so I guess I can say I'm feeling upbeat and happy about half the time, and depressed and monochrome the other half. Where would I be if Rika hadn't introduced me to Bennie K? And Rika wouldn't have introduced me to them if I hadn't gone to Japan. And I wouldn't have gone to Japan if I were still seeing h. Also, if I were still seeing h, I wouldn't be making these positive strides towards a better me. Interesting how things work out...

snore

Thinking back...

Thinking back to Tokyo, I remember seeing this really pretty/cute girl while walking up that narrow street/alleyway (a little past Bape towards Uniqlo) in Shibuya. She was wearing this cowboy-type hat, had semi-long wavey hair, and I think I really liked what she was wearing (I like fobby dress). She smiled at me. I don't remember if I smiled back, but regardless, I kept walking up the hill and didn't look back. Same thing kinda happened on Bart (as described in my previous entry) and I pretended to ignore that girl as well.

Which brings me to the point of this entry. I really need to put my ego in check. The reason I ignored them is because I wanted to make it seem like I didn't need them. In reality, I would've really liked to talk to both of those girls. Granted, the first one probably didn't speak any english, but I would've liked to try. I think, not only is it my ego, but a defense mechanism as well, because maybe I don't want to be hurt? Dunno, either way, it's something I need to be more aware of, and a trait I do not like about myself. Bleh.

Yesterday

So, for the last week or so, I've had this feeling that something significant is going to happen in my life within the next few weeks.

Hmmm, where do I begin. Lately, I've lost hope in finding attractive Chinese girls that can compete with the girls I saw in Japan. So much so, that I pretty much gave up on even looking for one. That was until yesterday. I was on BART and I saw this gorgeous Chinese girl. I'm not sure if she was full Chinese or what. She reminded me of the Chinese model shown above. Wow. She dressed like an HK fob which is a major +++. So that was nice. I was happy to realize there are Chinese girls who don't look full chinese, I'm attracted to which actually exist here in the bay area. She also got off at my exit. :) Later on in the evening, I turn on Curse of the Golden Flower, and see this super cute girl in it. This may sound kinda stupid, but it actually renewed my hope in finding a Chinese girl that I'd want to marry. Sounds kinda shallow, but oh well. I want a pretty wife, what can I say. Yesterday also makes me look forward to what could be. I'm optimistic and excited about who I might find or meet. There's a lot of hope in these eyes.

Now I don't know if/when that significant something is going to happen. Maybe it did yesterday, and I have yet to realize it. All I know, is I have a little more optimism about what the future has to hold. Here's to my local Angelababy who started it all...

Interesting...

Where do I start...

Well, let's start by saying, I guess I'm not the only person who thinks I'm going crazy. Mr. Frank said he's noticed that I've been acting different lately. Dunno what's going on with me!

So friday the 13th was an odd day. I guess it started when we were on the way to the ballgame and I saw her at BART, which was completely unexpected. I actually thought that I might see her, but then I looked at my watch, and saw it was a little early. WHEW! So I'm going through the stall, and there she is. That kinda fucked things up for the rest of the day. From then on, my mood was weird, timing was weird, etc... So we arrive at the game, eat some grub in the suite, and try to have a good time. It was pretty cold that night. Good thing I decided to bring a jacket. So no sooner than the second inning, the Giants do a straight steal home. WTF? LIterally, the guy was like 15 ft from 3rd, and just ran home. I've never seen that outside of the movies. Then, Jack "stone hands" Cust, was making some crazy plays, and he looked like a gold glover. My brother even turned to me and said "what's going on with Cust?". Then, with two outs at the bottom of the ninth, Street was about to pitch, and then the sprinklers came on. It was one of the oddest things I've ever seen. So to cap it off, A's won. Greg Smith walked six, but only gave up one run. Afterwards, I went over to Dennis' and played mafia for a couple of hours. That was kinda odd too. I think I met Frank's norcal Chinese twin. ha.

Well, that was my weird day. I half expected a full moon to be out...

I hate life.

Bleh part 3

I think I'm going fucking insane. I dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing...

Interesting Observation

This is going to sound shallow, judgemental and look like a blanket generalization, but oh well. So I was talking to Justin about girls yesterday, and the subject of NorCal vs. SoCal girls game up. So I ask him why SoCal girls are hotter than NorCal girls. He says SoCal girls try to be feminine, whereas NorCal girls try to be more like men. I thought about it for a second, and realized that I totally agree with him. Sucks, because I tend to like girly girls. I suppose it can be attributed to the perceived vibe of each area. NorCal, while more laid back, slow paced, and seemingly more business oriented is drab, and serious. SoCal on the otherhand is more fast paced, colorful, and fun. In-terms of girliness, I attribute it with more of a fun atmosphere, so it would make sense for the hotter girls to be in SoCal. And when I mean hot, I'm talking about looks, dress, AND personality. While many may say that SoCal girls are shallow and materialistic, there are many up here in NorCal as well. So concludes my thoughts/rant.

NorCal sucks.

June...

It's June! The month of many birthdays... I still miss Tokyo. It's like the gf that broke up with you and you still want her back.

I miss Tokyo :(

I miss Tokyo. It's so dull here.

Songs and mood

So for a while now I've believed the songs you listen to reflect your mood. So when I look at the play count on itunes, I can kinda see how I've been feeling for the past while. So the top two played songs on my itunes are モノクローム (monochrome) by Bennie K, and 好心分手 (it's better if we break up) feat. 王力宏 by 盧巧音. モノクローム is pretty much about being down in life, feeling stuck in a place you don't want to be, being sick of emotion, and wanting for fly away. It's pretty much about a monochrome life, and it's exactly how I feel. 好心分手 is about breaking up. One person doesn't want to be with the other, and the other is trying save it. Sad song.